It sucks to know that the person you fell for is not anywhere near giving the love back – a love story that we have heard too many times, perhaps it has happened to you more than you can count. You’ve made yourself kind, caring, and emphatic, so what gives? Why do you still end up with the wrong person? It’s not just disappointing, but also frustrating to undergo the cycle over and over again. So, if you’re guilty of all these, read on to find out why you have been enticing unavailable people.

You’re Unavailable, Too

Sometimes, you tend to attract unavailable people because you, yourself, are unavailable, too or you don’t want a real relationship, expert Margaret Paul said. She cites two reasons you probably don’t like to be in a commitment – fears of engulfment and rejection. The first one refers to losing yourself in the process while the latter means losing the other half. That’s why you resort to choosing people that aren’t exactly the ideal type, just so you will save yourself from the points raised. Psychotherapist Susan Anderson explained that engulfment happens when a person begins loving you back, then you are inundated with the expectations of the other person.

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This only means that you are attracting a mirror version of yourself, the harsh reality you must face. Perhaps you have suffered emotional abuse from your past relationship or you had been consistently cheated on so you refrain from trusting other people from now on, but this may result in not wanting to be hurt again, thus, being emotionally unavailable yourself.

Someone Who Will Love You Is a Validation

If you had been through so much in the past, thinking that having someone to love you will be the answer to everything – that you’ll eventually feel OK, cared for, and loved like a precious little baby. Thinking that we are enough to be loved or that we are worthy of being loved will boost our self-esteem. The same goes for getting someone who is not capable of loving another person to love us. However, all these can’t fill the void you have because only you can make yourself feel complete and loved.

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Margaret said that finding someone to answer your self-worth is a type of self-rejection, which means you say to yourself that alone, you are not going to be fine and that you need to find a person that loves you to make you feel OK.  

How to Stop Yourself from Falling into the Vicious Cycle?

Now that you know some things that cause you to attract unavailable people, then you can start addressing the problems. Above all else, you should learn to love yourself and not to seek validation and self-worth from other people. This means transcending other people’s judgment against you and developing deeper self-love that can topple over those. Accepting and loving yourself will put a halt to self-sacrifice just to get the person we like. The good thing about it is the more you have that kind of feeling, you’ll likely attract others more who also feel the same way about themselves.

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Self-abandonment is what causes you to have fears of engulfment and rejection. That’s why you need to make sure that you can set a limit so that you don’t lose yourself or be controlled by another person when you are in a relationship. The fear of being rejected also stems from self-love and you must keep in mind not to take it personally.

If, in case, you don’t develop a solution to both of these, then you’re likely to continue to match with people you feel you will have no future with. Once you addressed your fears, then you will not be scared of getting hurt anymore because you know your self-worth and later on you can face the pain. If not, then you will remain unavailable with a closed heart and a “safe” bubble.